Pandemic Progress: Ps and Qs for the PQV (Post-Quarantine-Vaccine) Scene

Issue: Issue? What issue? Who has issues?
Date: July 15, 2021

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

—Cathy Guisewite

Ps and Qs for the PQV (Post-Quarantine-Vaccine) Scene

In the 50s and 60s, Emily Post was the Goddess of Good Grace as she posted answers to important questions about correct social behavior.

In the 2020s, the coronavirus re-wrote the P’s and Q’s of social behavior. Here are some suggestions from singers and Sassy Primer authors concerning some Post-Quarantine-Vaccine quandaries, call it a polite polemic on pandemic propriety—or just fun advice!

How can I travel in airports and planes and not get anxious?
“I get high with a little help from my friends.”—The Beatles

What should I do with my surplus of masks?
Sew them into an “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini”?—Brian Heyland

When can I stop wearing a gator?
“When you don’t mind sticking your neck out!”—Sassy Primer

What should I do with a closet full of toilet paper and wipes up the wazoo?
“Be a badass with a good ass!”—Sassy Primer

What can I do when my arthritis hurts doing an elbow bump?
“Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around—that’s what its all about!”—Larry Laprise, 1992

Is it polite to ask someone if they have been vaxxed?
“Listen, do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell? Woo, ohh, closer—but no closer than 6 feet.”—The Beatles

Should I wear latex gloves when I get gas?
“No, you don’t need gloves when taking Bean-o.”—Sassy Primer

During lockdown I didn’t wear makeup, shave my legs, wear deodorant, or pluck my eyebrows. Is there a new norm for personal grooming when leaving the house?
NO, or people on the street will be singing, “She was a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people-eater!”—Chuck Woolery

How do I feel safe when shaking hands?
“Maybe you can’t. Is it like STDs—when you shake someone’s hand, are you shaking hands with every person that person has ever shaken hands with?!”—Mike Murphy

What should I do when a man is masked but has exposed his nose?
“Ignore it. He is just manspreading with his nose!”—Sassy Primer

Any insights on getting rid of my quarantine fifteen pandemic pounds!?
“When I learned ‘you are what you eat,’ I realized I was nuts.”—A Squirrel

No, really, how can I get rid of my quarantine fifteen?
“Search Amazon for the Weight-No-More Scale—it is calibrated to start at -15 rather than 0, so you don’t have to wait no more.”—Sassy Primer

Is it safe to go to the movies?
“Fuggetaboutit! Stream It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World instead!” —Sassy Primer

Should I still be six feet socially distanced?
“Only with people you don’t sleep with.”—Sassy Primer

What should I do with a pantry overstuffed with months of hoarded food?
“Do a Marie Kondo Korona-minari version on your food. If it doesn’t bring you joy, if you don’t feel guilty eating it, if it’s part of the Paleo, Keto or Fasting Diet you tried for two days, get rid of it.”—Sassy Primer

Is it safe to use a public restroom?
“Your mother was decades ahead of her time when she warned you could catch a disease from a public toilet!”—Sassy Primer

What should I do with my vaccine card?
“Keep it in your wallet. Wouldn’t it make you smile to get carded again at your age?!”—Sassy Primer

When will this all end?
“Somewhere over the rainbow…”—Judy Garland

So what the fudge are the new PQV Rules?!?!
“You can eat fudge that someone gives you if they did not sneeze in the kitchen while the fudge was being mixed or as it cooled and hardened out of the oven... Oy, speaking of hardening, I feel like the rules for the PQV Scene are hardening the arteries in my head! I am corona-exhausted—I just want to say: ‘F(udge) the rules!’”—Sassy PrimerAnd thank you for listening to the all the kvetching!

Thank you for listening (and laughing?) amidst all the kvetching!

Ahhh men, ahhhh women, we can do this ahhhh-ll together! 

Sending healing and hugs,

Irene